Hello friends.
Trigger warnings for psychosis, suicide, cancer, and the election. If that sounds like the bomb.com, read on brave souls. If not, take a sip of water and moveon.com to Canada.
I don’t have cancer. Just need to drink more water with lemon. And less Kettle One Botanicals with seltzer. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.
Going through the whole process of being up at the Huntsman Cancer Institute and getting the scan was very triggering. All for a blocked gland. Was important to get it checked out. Got the all-clear and confirmation that I am in remission and should be okay.
Instructions: Do the things that are healthy. Do not do unhealthy things. And move on.
Apologies for feeling so fucked up by the month that was October and needing to drop off the face of the Earth for a bit.
The election. The freaky deaky freaking election. Shout out to the real ones who hit the pavement and made calls for Kamala. The psychology of winning votes. Jesus.
The election got me soul searching about my life for the past decade. Went through all my notes on altered states. All my notes on psychotic altered states.
And now we all live in a yellow submarine sandwich being consumed by the Psychotic United States of America.
Mad Pride, fuckers. That was almost word salad. Kind of proud of myself for keeping it together for the sake of a mixed metaphor.
I had a suicide attempt in October 2020. I did not have a single moment of peace in my incarceration mandatory psych ward stay. The voices in my head were going fucking nuts. The starring cast of characters in my mind were Ibriam X Kendi, a random queer Republican with a PhD from Yale, a self-righteous Barack Obama, and Jon fucking Lovett at his most gay, most annoying, most gay man who hates a specific woman and does not know when to stop. Commenting on my every thought after trying to kill myself and telling me to make a case for Joe Biden without any real critical thinking skills or ability to compose a convincing argument.
Yeah, I felt like I would have been better off dead.
Wow.
I know I mostly live in the Upside Down but fucking wow. It is such a trip to hear these voices in my head and compare them to reality. It is unreal the psychotic grip the Democratic Party has over me. For having a very public psychotic break.
And what the fuck am I supposed to do? Become a hateful bigot and go ra-ra Donald Trump?
No.
I pray for God to be released from this endless labyrinth of suffering. I pray all the Johns Green will let their precious fucking egos go. You have publically announced your retirement. I have publically announced my status as a certifiably insane single woman.
We are going to make it through this year. Even if it kills me. Is that Tame Impala or The Mountain Goats?
Kind of triggering when you think about it.
This year, I voted for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. Donald Trump won. So here we are.
I keep thinking of the 24,000 people who like the “Your body. My choice. Forever.” tweet. This is the vibe we are entering for the next four years. Or maybe for forever for ever ever. I’m sorry.
I appreciate simple men being honest about what they think of women.
Women, do not let a man determine what you do, feel, or say. You are an independent. Jesus is the only man whose opinion you need to care about. Because he is the Son of God and the Virgin Mary.
Terrifying to think of being on disability and facing the second Trump administration.
Got my brain ripped out of my head with an oyster shucker in 2017 for not having access to 40 acres, a mule, a piano, a guitar, and choosing to dance for my freedom instead.
Coordination.
I have been in occupational therapy every day since trying to recover to fulfill my destiny as the winner of America’s Next Top Psychotic.
Trauma on trauma and trauma. Psychosis is traumatizing. Psychosis pretty much all day, every day for the past 7 years forced me to do things that do not come easily. And now I am negotiating my relationship to freedom with the Black Mamba. Hope you like your cash, Buddy.
I get it now. I get psychosis. I get how to do psychosis. Psychosis is my little bitch. I can play the game of psychosis. I am not a pushover. I am in control of my mind. I am in control of my life. I am in control of my future.
Does that trigger you?
My goddamn mental health. My fucking mental health. In this fucking society. The forces that have wreaked havoc on my mental health.
My God.
I’m mad.
I’m mad.
I’m mad.
I’m mad as hell and I just can’t take it anymore.
I am out.
I am out of politics.
I thought my purpose in life was politics. I thought my purpose was to serve my country as a Democratic Political Operative whipping votes and taking names and winning. All I do is win no matter what.
It’s time for a major party realignment. Can we just scrap both parties and start like seven new ones? Might be time for a major rewrite of the Constitution. For the sake of the Founding Fathers and my fellow Americans.
Let go and let God.
I am still in the process of learning my takeaways from this clusterfuck of a decade. The biggest loss of all this? My humanity. My entire life story. Nearly lost my soul. Thank Christ for Jesus.
Please do not fuck around with witchcraft.
I met some freak vampires who think nothing of sucking a good girl dry and telling her she could have been more entertaining and more pleasing and more virgin whore mommy.
I want to have fun. I have got my Christmas decorations out. Got this beautiful pink curtain up on the wall.
I want to make enjoyable, funny videos about why I am unable to function normally in society.
Hi, yes, I’m Madeline Roth and I cannot function normally in any generic situation because I am the Sin Eater for the Democratic Party and half of Hollywood.
Just a concept to explore to understand myself. My psychotic hallucinations have certainly positioned me to embody the archetype of the aging ingenue turned Sin Eater by soul-sucking vampires.
Have you seen The Substance?
Please email me with your thoughts, questions, concerns, and suggestions.
Thank you for your feedback. More emails from me to come sporadically when I feel like writing and exploring explosive ideas with you from inside your inbox.