I have been meditating on what it means to let God stay one beat ahead. I am not sure why I struggle so much, or rather I do, it’s the bipolar sometimes mixed with psychosis. It takes so much to stay steady.
I have felt led out of so much struggle and despair yet cannot seem to connect with the tangible world in quite the way I want.
I want to be consistently productive, making art through words and music that reach people on a deep emotional level, that are funny in places and sad in others and utterly relatable.
I wrote the music playing in the background. It feels like something tangible, like I can get a grasp on it and hold on. I have been writing as well, not a reflection on growing up with mental illness and being bisexual in Utah, but a fun vampire romance. Which I suppose also is a reflection on those things. It will be available in August, stay tuned.
This recording has some instances of Niko barking on it, so be forewarned. It seemed too good not to share and it’s just a slice of life. If you have little ones or dogs who won’t like hearing a dog bark, maybe listen on your headphones.
I feel very energetically porous at times. Like I can feel God wanting to come through me in my music and my words. Yet there is this part of me that can’t let that escape. I’m worried about what it means to come to my senses and move forward one step at a time, knowing many tasks are quite repetitive and contain seemingly little 0.
Sometimes I think I really need a cool boyfriend or girlfriend who plays guitar well enough to accompany me on piano. And someone to do the tasks of life with. Just to be doing them with someone else. Like it is no problem to serve a meal and clean up when I am doing it as part of service to other people, but cooking for me alone is a lot of smoothies, salads with a can of tuna on top, and various frozen vegetables with ramen along with some bigger dinners I can eat off of all week.
But it is hard to clean up. I also need a dishwasher. A partner and a dishwasher and maybe an AC. I have an AC unit in the living room window, but I dream of central heating and cooling. The luxury of a thermostat you can set. Once I got an office with windows and I imagine it would be kind of like that feeling to have an apartment with a dishwasher, thermostat, and boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Special friend. Person. Anyways.
I can see my life going in two different paths. One where I stay stuck, mired in the shoulds and should nots, and trapped in a past that I cannot change. Now I want to play all the notes and not be shouted down by the voices in my head or be afraid to speak up when I really need to.
I keep coming back to certain memories when I’m trapped. When me touching my roots required being able to breathe freely and that was not given to me. How time slowed to a standstill, it was an unbreakable moment that yielded no rest. I was alone and cut off from all who love me. It was a tortuous agony. The worst part was I couldn’t quite touch it. I couldn’t quite scream and yell and push the world out of alignment to the point it all made sense again and I could continue where I left off.
Part of me just wants a normal house in suburbia. Part of me wants to never be forgotten. I think I could do just that, If I only believe I am capable. It requires coming into a higher alignment with my being through nutrition and healthy inputs. And healthy outputs through music and writing.
I can’t even begin to describe the changes in my life since last May. I was just starting out on my journey with an effective medication and relishing the feeling of a clear head again.
Please listen to the podcast for my music. It is really good and I hope you enjoy it.
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